I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
