every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize