I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
