he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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