Just mADE A PArabola og urine
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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