I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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