when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
