I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
