cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
