my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
