It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
