Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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