So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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