At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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