Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
