I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
