Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
