I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
