Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
