True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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