I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Randomize
