Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
