So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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