If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
