All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
