This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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