But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
