I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
