You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
