my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
