I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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