I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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