Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
