New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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