You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
