Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
