You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
