I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
