His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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