i permit you to call me
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
