listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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