I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
too bad you live with your parents still
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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