im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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