The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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