Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
