just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
