I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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