then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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