Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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