Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
