Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
