Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
