Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
