I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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