soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
