Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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