im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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