i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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